Torn Between Three Lovers, Feeling Like a Fool


Twin US flags on back of a fire truck in Monticello during a Fouth of July Parade.

What’s an Iowan to do? I keep telling myself, I’ll do more background research, check their web sites, make an informed decision …

But Monday is coming up real fast, the spring semester has started, and I haven’t had much time to scratch myself, blog or do any “extra” reading.

Feb. 1, the first-in-the-nation Iowa Caucuses—an ancient tradition that goes all the way back to 1976, the year I graduated from Muscatine High School, and attended a precinct caucus for the first time.

I was a Republican then, and Gerald Ford was my man. My, how times have changed. I know some Republicans, I even like a few, but my life and views and the GOP’s have so far split asunder that I can’t really imagine a world in which I’d again be a Republican. Not with the clown car of crazies, Bible thumpers, billionaire blowhards and science deniers that is the current, pathetic GOP  presidential field.

A political party in which a loathsome, irritating slick-haired Texan like Ted Cruz seems like the “rational choice” of the two front runners is a political party that somehow got lost and wandered so far deep into the woods that being eaten by bears might be a relief And yet this is the party that has irrevocably gerrymandered itself into control of the U.S. House. Makes you proud to be an American.

But, I digress. My current problem is that right now I plan to caucus for:

  • Martin

    Martin–from his web site.

    Martin O’Malley. He’s young, he’s lean, he plays a mean guitar. He’s the Democrat running who has the most executive governing experience, so he deserves to lead our party to victory and Stump The Trump. Except … Martin who? It’s hard to ignore the fact that, in the practical real world, he’s just not caught on, so it’s hard to caucus for my man Martin.

  • Hillary

    Hillary, from her web site. Best presidential duck face ever.

    Hillary Clinton. She’s experienced, seasoned, a dedicated fighter for All The Right Stuff, so she deserves to lead our party to victory and Stump the Trump. Except … Another Clinton? It would be like the GOP nominating another Bush. Granted, at least in the Democrat’s case it would not be a repeat of one of history’s least competent presidents who almost ran the economy into the Great Depression and everybody seems to forget that, but in the practical real world, can you say “baggage?” Hillary doesn’t own political baggage, she has a political container ship, so it’s hard to caucus for my woman Hillary.

  • Bern

    You know where I got it. It’s Bernie!

    Bernie Sanders. Ah, I can hear Simon and Garfunkel now. I do feel the Bern—he’s got all the right ideas, says the smart things, and many in my family have fallen for this eloquent charmer. Except … the GOP would love to see the Democrats nominate Bernie. Honestly, of the three Democrats, he’s the one almost any Republican would want to run against. America is not ready to elect a socialist. And if a third candidate enters the fall race, I honestly fear that it’s the Sanders campaign that could elect President Trump, so it’s hard to caucus for my man Bernie.

I love them all. But I’m not quite sold on any one. I suppose I could be “undecided” still on Monday, but, unlike the Republicans who can come up with dozens and dozens of candidates, none of whom should be elected Dog Catcher in West Nowhere, the Democrats this year actually have three smart, capable, the-world-would-not-end if they were elected candidates. Yet, each of whom also has strong negatives in terms of political strategy, which matters when it matters a lot that none of the members of the Grand Old-crazy-as-a-loon Party nut jobs wins the eventual election.

Why can’t I choose? I suppose, to be honest, I’m most taken with Martin. Except whenever I hear or see Bernie. But then again, a small voice in the back of my head says “Hillary may have the most baggage, but she’s also the one with the balls (metaphysical) to kick Trump in the balls (metaphysical again, although a guy can hope).”

So I’ve decided. It’s Hillary. No, wait, it’s Bernie. No, wait, time for a new generation of guitar-strumming leadership, so it’s Martin.

Oh, my. How many weeks do I have to decide? Oh well.

Bernie, I don’t know if I’ll be standing with some of my family in your corner, or if I’ll have to waive hello from Martinville or Hillary Town, but kudos, my man, on the best ad of this sad campaign season of 2016:

Sigh. Great commercial. Still undecided.

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